by Ms. Irma Reymond
One of the greatest relationships that each of us share on earth from the time of our birth till death do us part – is the relationship between parents and children. If we take a closer look at parents and children in our present world we will realize that something somewhere has drastically gone wrong in this very crucial relationship.
On one hand parents are getting busier and busier with almost no time for their children and on the other hand children are getting more and more distant and disobedient towards their parents and elders.
Parents who gave their everything to bring up their children while their kids were small, are today abandoned in their old age waiting anxiously for even a single hello from their grown-up kids.
Its like as if there is a big spasm that somehow needs to be bridged. But the important question is how?
St. Paul gives us some insight in Ephesians 6:1-4: 1“Children, obey your parents, in the Lord, for this is right. 2Honour your Father and Mother,” which is the first commandment with a promise. 3That it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. 4And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Now this instruction given by St. Paul has two parts:
1. Responsibilities of children towards their parents, and
2. Responsibilities of parents towards their children.
1. Responsibilities of children towards their parents
What does St. Paul say? Children obey your parents, in the Lord, for this is right. Honour your Father and Mother,” which is the first commandment with a promise. That it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.
What are the responsibilities of children towards their parents?
1.The first thing St. Paul says, is OBEY your parents. Notice, this is not a simple command to children to obey. It is not simply "Children, obey your parents"; it is "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." The key to the whole command is "in the Lord." As a child I am called to obey my parents, not because my parents want me to do so, but because Jesus wants me to do so. Not because my parents are good to me or love me or give me all I want. Not because I depend on them for my needs. Whether my parents love me or not, whether they give me the things I want or not, whether my parents care for me or not – it is Jesus who commands me to OBEY my parents, no matter what. That is the point St Paul makes. This is my responsibility to Jesus.
This word "obey" is, literally, the Greek word "stand under." It means to be under another's authority, and it is used in many places in the Scriptures as a military term. It is the same word that would apply to a soldier in obeying his orders. It means to follow orders. To put it very practically and plainly, it says to children, "Do what your parents tell you."
The book of Proverbs is probably the most helpful book on child-raising ever written. Its whole theme is this: a child must learn the most important lesson of all, to be an obedient child.
WHY? – The Reason for Obedience: St. Paul also goes on to give a reason why children must obey their parents. Immediately after the command St Paul adds, “Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Now what does that mean? St. Paul doesn’t just mean follow tradition. In olden days children used to obey their parents and never question them, so you also must do that. No that is not what he means. It means, rather, that this is in accord with a fundamental reality, this is one of the basic laws of life. If you do this, everything will turn out right; if you refuse to do it everything will go wrong. Whether you admit it or not, whenever your parents tell you something, it is for your good, it is because they have themselves learnt from experience what is right and what is wrong and they don’t want you to get hurt.
If you want proof of this, just look around at our present generation. There is utter turmoil in our families today as a result of disobedience.
Willing Obedience:
What kind of obedience are we talking about? From action to attitude: Honour your Father and Mother (Exodus 20:12)
In verse 2 and 3 St. Paul moves on to press deeper into this subject. He goes behind the actions to the attitudes. It is not only important to obey, but to obey in such a way as to honor your father and your mother. The attitude of obedience is very important. It’s not enough to just grumpily say, “Ok, I’ll do it.” You may finally do what your parents want you to do, but in your heart is there still disobedience and hatred? That kind of obedience is not obedience at all because, as St. Paul brings out, it is dishonoring to the father or mother. It treats the parent as an obstacle in the way, oh ok I’ll do it, then at least you’ll get out of my way. No. St. Paul here is calling children to a willing and cheerful obedience that would Honour your Father and Mother.
The PROMISE: Why should I obey willingly? Why should I Honour my Father and Mother? Because there is a promise attached to it.
St Paul reminds us, that the first commandment with a promise was the commandment in Exodus 20:12, "Honour your father and mother." The promise that was linked to it was this: "...that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth." That means that obedience is not merely to be in action only, but in attitude as well. It requires one to obey cheerfully, not with hatred.
Remember the Bible tells us in 1Sam16:8, “man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.”
If you love Jesus and want to live a life centered on God, this is the first area it will show – in a willing, glad obedience to your parents.
What does this promise mean?
It simply means that glad and willing obedience, is a boon to the children who obey. But reluctant, rebellious obedience injures you. It results in resentment and bitterness, and there is nothing more destructive in a human heart than that. It does not injure the one you are bitter against; it injures you, it tears you up inside. It can cause serious physical disturbances. Modern doctors and psychologists agree that a bitter and resentful heart produces acne, causes ulcers and loss of appetite, upsets digestion, impairs the use of the mind, causes allergic reactions such as asthma or fainting spells, makes the skin break out in hives and blisters, and causes many other kinds of serious physical disturbances.
That is why the Word of God promises that honor to father and mother will actually mean a lengthening of life and will certainly make the life we do live a much more enjoyable one.
OLDER PARENTS - When we address children, it doesn’t mean only small children. As long as you have parents, this command applies to you. We adults have the very same responsibility towards our older parents. Most often today we see once children get married they get so caught up with their spouse and their own children and their jobs and their own lives that we happily forget our old parents.
· We forget that these are the same parents who held our hands and taught us to walk.
· We forget that these are the same parents who stayed awake at night with us when we were sick
· We forget so easily the sacrifices our parents made in order to make us who we are today.
Today, old parents long for one call one glance from their children. Many are abandoned and sent to old-age homes and we console ourselves saying, I am sending the money for their upkeep. But money is not all that our parents need. The need to hear your voice. The crave for your time.
2. RESPONSIBILITY of PARENTS towards CHILDREN:
St Paul goes on to say in V 4:"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
The word Father actually means both parents. So mothers cannot excuse themselves. But the emphasis is laid largely upon the father, for it is his responsibility as to what the children become. But it is true that mostly Mothers may enforce policy but it is the father's task to set it, and to see that his children are raised properly.
However, sadly many fathers have the attitude: "It is my job to make the living; her job is to raise the children." That’s not what the Bible says. In the Bible the ultimate responsibility for what a home becomes is the father's. So the Word is addressed to fathers "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Fathers, does your behaviour cause your children to rebel?
Remember your child’s life is a Blank Page…
A child's life is a blank page.
What will the first words be?
Shut up!
Get out of my sight.
Go play.
Don't touch!
You, that child's parent, write upon. These words teach fear. They register unwantedness. They say, "I don't love you." Let your words teach gentleness and beauty. Let them supply high moral principles, courage to meet life's disappointments, pride in a job well done.
Use words that reflect your love:
Beautiful, child!
You did a great job.
Don't worry -- we'll clean it up together.
I'm so proud of you!
I love you!
When your child is grown, you will look at him/her and see the words you wrote on that blank page. Write words you will be proud of!
There are two things which cause rebellion in children: indulgence and harshness. These are the opposites of discipline and instruction that St. Paul talks about.
A. Indulgence: Today as parents we work very hard. We want to give our children the best of everything.
We want to give them the best of education. We put them in the best of schools. Sadly these days, Catholic education is not good enough, we want to send our children to International level schools. CBSE, ICSE…etc. But are we even bothered to check what other things besides education is being taught to our children? Some of these schools make it compulsory for our children to learn hindu shlokas or prayers to their deities. Have you ever imagined the effect that will have on your child’s spiritual well-being? Why do we forget that we are not going to be on this earth forever, our ultimate goal is eternity. Education is good, but that is only for this life. Your degrees will have no value in heaven.
If you have NOT given your children JESUS right from the beginning of their lives, I’m sorry to say, your children are doomed for destruction. Jesus said, “without me you can do nothing” (Jn 15:5). How do you expect your children to survive in this world of corruption without Jesus? You want to give your children the best? Give them Jesus. He is the best!
Now the question is how to give your children Jesus? Show them Bible-based animated movies instead of TV. Talk to them about Jesus. Tell them stories about Jesus. Of course, for that you need to know those stories yourself. Week after week Bro. Derek reminds us to come hear with our Bibles, but how many of us even take the trouble to carry our Bibles every Wednesday? How many of us take down notes when the speaker is giving us instructions from God’s Word. Our children are watching us. If they don’t see us giving importance to the Sacred WOG how do you expect them to do the same?
God has made a promise to us if we keep this commandment, in Proverbs 22:6 the Lord says “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”
If you have given your children Jesus, then trust. If they have Jesus, no matter where they go in life, they will never be lost.
Remember:
Children are like water:
Bottle them up and they stagnate;
let them run wild and they make a mess;
guide them and they bring life to all they touch.
Also, lack of discipline will make a child insecure, miserable, and self-centered. That is what we call a spoiled child---one who grows up to expect to have his way in everything. This is created, by a spirit of indulgence on the part of parents who try and meet every demand of their children without reasoning whether it is right or wrong.
I once read a story of a stepfather who was trying to win the acceptance and approval of his new stepson by indulging him, buying him everything he wanted. But he was getting nowhere. Finally they went out on a hike together and came to a place where a waterfall came down over a cliff and spread out in a big pool at its foot. Suddenly the father noticed the son's blue cap floating in the middle of the pool. Without hesitation he dived in and tried to find the boy. He made several dives and at last, unavailing, he flung himself exhausted on the bank. Just then he heard a noise and there was the boy standing behind a tree. He said to him, "Did you throw your cap in the pool?" The boy said, "Yes, I did." The father said, "What did you do that for?" The boy answered, "I wanted to see what would happen." The stepfather said, "Well, you're going to find out right now," and he spanked him as few boys have ever been spanked. On the way home in the car he suddenly found hot little fingers gripping his hand, and choked voice saying, "I'm sorry, I'm awful sorry, but I didn't know whether you really liked me, because you never spanked me like the other children's fathers do.
"It is an imperative necessity that children find discipline, for it is the mark of love.” As Hebrews 12:6, Even God disciplines those whom He loves and accepts as his children.
The other extreme which provokes a child to revolt is harshness---harsh, demanding discipline which is never accompanied with love, concern, or understanding. Rigid, military discipline which says, "Do this, or this, or else," will inevitably drive a child to revolt as he comes to adolescence. I remember hearing of a father who ordered his family about like a martinet. He had been in the military, and he tried to run his household that way. He assembled the family every morning, lined them all up, the wife and the children, and gave them their orders for the day. One day when he had them lined up, he said to them, "Now, any questions?" One little boy raised his hand. The father said, "What is it?" The boy said, "How can I get out of this outfit?"
That is certainly the first question any child will ask as he comes to maturity, if that is the kind of regime under which he lives.
Opposed to this St Paul puts two things, discipline and instruction. As the child grows older, physical discipline has to be replaced by exhortation, by understanding helping a child to see what lies behind the restrictions, and always showing concern and love. It does not mean a total relaxing of limits, but it means a different way of enforcing them.
Here are some pointers:
1. TIME = Spend time with your children.
Provide an emotional climate in the home an atmosphere that builds personal relationships with them --- a place of warm welcome and acceptance.
That means spending time with your children. Doing things together that will build relationships and trust.
2. Be a good example --- values are caught not taught.
If your children see you praying, they will pray.
If your children see you reading your Bible, they will read.
If your children see you telling lies, no matter how much you teach them not to tell lies, they will do what YOU do – not what you TELL them to do.
In Deuteronomy 6:5-7 the Lord says, "And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words, which I command you this day, shall be in your heart: And you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up."
But the question is how many of us really do this? Imagine if each of us parents sitting here would start putting just this one verse Deut 6:7 into practice – what a transformation it would bring into our families.
3. Teach them to take responsibility
Even at a young age, you can start giving them small small responsibilities – like putting the toys into place, or watching over their siblings, or maintaining their school bags and books.
Many children complain. My parents just don’t give me a chance. Why? Because we are scared that they will make a mistake. Allow them, that’s how they will learn. You are always around to watch and guide, but give them the space they need to grow.
4. Provide counsel in an informal setting.
Spend time to build a relationship which makes our counsel acceptable.
5. Set limits.
Build in some restrictions. But discipline demands a context. You have no right to discipline unless you have also given them time and interest.
This is a parent's task---to set limits---and it is one which builds security in a child. They want to have some limits. They desperately need them, but the limits are to made with understanding.
6. Making Decisions:
Apply the law of natural consequences as they grow up. Discuss pros and cons, let them decide---then let them live with the results. (Alternative: we make all the decisions for them so they lose the ability to make decisions. Or---they decide wrongly, then we bail them out.) Let them make some mistakes, let them see what the results are, but early enough that they are not the kind which will damage them all their life.
7. Surround them with a fortress of prayer, trusting the Spirit of God to do for them what he did for you!
· Anoint your children everyday before leaving the house.
· Pray for their protection from the snares of the evil one.
· Teach them to pray.
· Ask the Lord to pour out His Holy Spirit on your children and make them Holy.
Story:
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door. SON: 'Mummy, may I ask you a question?'
MUM: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the woman.
SON: 'Mummy, how much do you make an hour?'
MUM: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the woman said angrily.
SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'
MUM: 'If you must know, I make Rs 50 an hour.'
SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: 'Mummy, may I please borrow R25?'
The mother was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.'
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs 25.00 and she really didn't ask for money very often. The woman went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.
'Are you asleep, son?' She asked.
'No Mummy, I'm awake,' replied the boy. 'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the woman. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs 25 you asked for.'
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you Mummy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the mother grumbled.
'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.
'Mummy, I have R50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'
The mother was crushed. She put his arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It's just a short reminder to all of us working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But our children, our family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
Do remember to share that R50 worth of your time with parents and children today!